Growing up I was taught that crying is for sissies. Having 2 older brothers and an older sister who was really tough, I for one was not going to be the sissy of the family. Even though I was so much younger than my siblings, it didn’t matter because when I fell I was going to be tough and not cry. No sissy tears from me!
I remember even when watching a movie that was sad, I would hold in my tears, swallow the lump and hide my face and try my darn-dest not to let my emotions show. Crying just has never really felt “okay” for me. Even now, it is something that causes me to examine myself to the point where I will even accuse myself of having a pity party, or being a big baby, or even being too dramatic. Crying is a sign of weakness. At least that is what I have always believed, until now.
What is so off to me about my logic, is, while in my mind crying is weakness, it is perfectly okay to loose my temper and explode and allow anger to manifest. So wait, crying is weakness and anger is strength? What??!! Do I really believe this??!! Even though I know in my heart that neither of these thoughts/beliefs are true, it is so hard for me to change my mindset regarding them. Even now, I find myself hiding my tears from my husband, from my kids and even from myself. I would love to just cry and not feel guilt or shame in it. Am I the only one who has struggled with this? Thankfully I have a friend in Jesus, and He Himself wept and shed tears. Thankfully I have His word that sets my illogical, irrational and completely distorted mindset free. Throughout the Bible the words “cry” and “tears” and “weeping” fill the pages. Here are just a couple. “You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle. Are they not in your book?” –Psalm 56:8. “I am weary with my moaning; every night I flood my bed with tears; I drench my couch with my weeping.” –Psalm 6:6
Just recently God is healing me of this, and allowing me to be able to release my tears, my weeping and hurt. I am learning to just cry and be okay with it, and to not hide my face from my husband, my kids or even God Himself. I am learning to just be, and be open with my feelings and the fact that just because I am saved does not mean my life is perfect, or that I should pretend that it is. The fact is, my life is not perfect. It is better than it has ever been, but far from being perfect. I am still being healed of things I did not even realize were there. It’s like the layers are slowly being peeled away, and I am realizing how deep they truly are.
There is beauty in tears, there is freedom in crying, there is joy in weeping and there is healing in not hiding your face. It is only with these that there is true surrender. Crying softens our heart, it releases our compassion and activates passion. That fire inside of you will ignite your spirit. “Weeping may last for the night but joy comes in the morning.”–Psalm 30:5