Dear My Past Abuser,
I remember I fell for you right away. Almost like a spell was cast over me. I hung on to every word you said, I believed you when nobody else did. I remember the times when we were not able to be together and you would tell me the sweetest things on the phone, and make me laugh. I also remember the times, out of the clear blue sky you cussed me out for something so stupid. I took the blame, I apologized to you right away. I would tell myself, he is hurting and I know it will get better.
I remember when I had our first baby and I understood that you were in the Army so you couldn’t be there. I was sad, but never mad at you. All I wanted was for us to be together and to be a family. I remember when we got married, I was so happy and I knew, that even though we were such a young couple, we would beat the odds. I knew I was going to break the cycle in my family. I knew my marriage would last. I knew my baby would have his parents together. I remember when we finally got to move into our first place as a family. I felt amazing. But then I remember that I said something to you one night and until this day I cannot remember what it was exactly. When I said it though, I was feeding our son and you then grabbed that box of pizza and threw it at me and started to scream at me. I remember you then grabbed a hanger and stood over me, while I was still feeding your child, and you told me, you would beat the s*** out of me. I remember looking into your eyes, wondering what did I say, what did I do to unleash such a demon?? Right after that, I remember you stormed upstairs and grabbed all of my clothes and your sons clothes and threw them outside and screamed for me to get the f*** out. You said you hated me and once again told me to leave. It was right around CHristmas time. I did as you asked and packed up our 4 month old, called my mom for money, I then called a cab and got in and headed to the Syracuse, NY train station, where I would journey a near 3,000 miles to get home to San Jose. It took us 4 days. Traveling with your son was not easy.
I also remember, you called me and my family over and over, crying and apologizing and begging for me to come back. We spent our first Christmas apart and you were alone. You told me you would never hurt me again, that you were sorry and that you would get help. I believed and stuck up for you and shortly packed my bags and caught the first flight back to NY with our soon to be 5 month old and a bun in the oven, which I did not know at the time.
Weeks and months went by and you were on your best behavior. You were such a gentleman and you took care of me when ever I had morning sickness. You also took care of our son. I just knew things were going to be different. I was once again so happy. Until, one day, I don’t remember what I did exactly, but we began to argue. The next thing I know, you walk over and you pushed me so hard I went flying through the air and landed on the floor. I sat there scared that the baby in my womb would be hurt. I cried, I cried all night, all while being pregnant and taking care of our son.
I know this is rather long and I do not want to take up anymore of your time. So here is a list of some of the other things you did to me in case you do not remember: You spit in my face. You threw beer in my face. You called me every name in the book. You shattered my cars front window. You slammed my knee in the door. You choked me and held me down on the bed. You cheated on me. You lied to me. You grabbed my arms so tight you left the marking of your hands by me having bruises in their very shape. You threw a credit card at my face. You tore the bathroom door off it’s hinges and ripped the shower curtain down while I was showering, so you can yell at me about something. You threw rocks at my car as I was driving away. You broke countless phones, remotes, pictures and dishes. Every wall of every house we ever lived in bore the holes that you put there with your fist. The list could go on and on, but those are just the ones that stand out to me.
I remember we were living in NC the last time you hurt me. I remember I called my mom and and asked her to get me home. I promised her I would NEVER go back to you, like I did that first time. I had nothing. My dad flew in from CA and we rented a van. We packed up our clothes, the 2 kids and the 2 dogs and I left you, while you were at work. I allowed you to treat me the way you did, because I wanted to be the one who made it. I wanted my kids to have their parents together. I wanted you! I prayed for God to help me. I prayed for you too. You never changed, you got worse and so did I.
When I came home to CA, I was broken and I had nothing. No money, no where to live, no car, no job, nothing. What I did have though, was more valuable than anything and that was my life and our 2 kids. The road to recovery was not easy and I had my ups and downs. But in the end I stayed the course and was determined to have a better life for the kids and I. You taught me a lot. Because of you I learned what to never settle for again. I knew what I deserved and I knew I would be happy one day.
You see, I was never supposed to be “that” girl. When I was a teenager, I would always say I would never let a man hurt me. I used to judge abused women and think it was their fault they were abused, that they allowed it to happen. I can honestly say and thanks you, that I no longer see abused women that way. Because of you, I can help their voices to be heard, by being their voice. I am no longer afraid of you, in fact I actually feel compassion for you.
I am remarried now and no longer live in the cycle of abuse. I am cherished and so are your kids. They are now seeing what a mother and father should be, and what a healthy and loving relationship looks like. After everything you did to me, I hated you for years. Until one day, with God’s help, I decided that hating you would not change anything. Hating you would not make me better. So I stand here today, and I offer you forgiveness for the ways that you hurt your children and I. I also stand here a happy woman, no longer the woman I was, that allowed you to abuse her. I am now strong. I am now confident. I am now free.
With Warm Regards,
The woman who is no longer your victim